Film review: The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse (2010), directed by David Slade

Let’s see. Furball (Taylor Lautner) and Sparkles (Robert Pattinson) were both fancying Bella (Kristen Stewart). Sparkles asked Bella to marry him and she accepted. Didn’t they do that at the end of the previous one? Bella acted like a total jerk to Furball, kissing him and stuff. Furball was about as charming as a cold sore – seriously, what’s with Meyer and jerkass boyfriends? Umm. And there was another vampire who was out to kill Bella, because Bella … oh, who the hell cares?!

The plus side – the werewolves are really cute in dog form. When they’re in human form, they’re all walking around bare-chested, unless you’re a woman, of course. Bella walking next to doggie Furball echoed one of the Narnia kids walking next to Aslan. Does that mean Furball is now Jesus? I bet some people would agree.

The Cullens with their pale faces still crack me up. They look so incredibly silly! Now, having read at least the first one, I think they’ve done Alice (Ashley Greene) pretty well – she’s probably the only one I could tell who it is just by seeing her. Nice to see Bella with her mum, even if Sparkles was lurking inside the house.

Funniest quote during the movie: Bella has just explained to the two rivals (Furry and Sparkles) that she’s Switzerland, i.e. neutral territory. Mr T immediately quips, “She has all the Nazi gold!” And to think an inside joke (sort of) between me and the hubby is funnier than anything in the script is a bit sad.

No, this film was kinda … dull. There just wasn’t much substance to it at all, just empty fluff that they could have shown in a much shorter time, if at all. Have heard they’re splitting the final book into two films. Surely that has to be proof of the non-existence of God? I really do hope the book is better.

Oh, and on a side note – I discovered the books in a Swedish bookshop. The Swedish titles are enough to make you run away screaming: If I could dream (Twilight), When I hear your voice (New Moon), The sound of your heart (Eclipse), As long as we both breathe (Breaking Dawn). Well, at least they are all very fitting with the content. For better or for worse.

1 out of 5 tents.